He invited me over for dinner. Not a date.
"Are your roommates coming too?"
"Nope." Maybe.
Kyle made dinner while I talked to his roommate. Man, was Kyle attractive. During dinner the two of us had awkward conversation. Awkward because of the silent pauses. The food was good; he lived up to his "good cook" claim.
Then he mentioned a movie. I guess it is a date...
He sat close. Closer. I restrained my hands in my lap to avoid the temptation of wandering fingers. But I didn't need to make the first move. His arm soon found itself wrapped around me, shifting me right against his side. Self-control faded from my fingers and were then interwoven with his.
I was never good at loyalty in romantic relationships.
December 20, 2012
June 9, 2012
Last Moments (III)
It was dark outside and the rain created trails of sparks in front of the headlights. Not too far away Ren had his phone pressed to his ear.
"Ren, we're right over here. Actually just walk straight, we're the only ones with the lights on."
"Oh there you are!"
"Mhmm, I'll see you in a sec."
There was an empty seat in the front, but he opened the back door instead.
"Hi."
"I'm glad you found us."
"I know, it was so hard to find you guys."
The third seat in the back was taken up by a car seat, but the lack of space didn't matter. Two seats was more than enough.
I like his hand around my waist, it feels normal and protective. I like when he looks at me, because it always means something. I love his hand in my hair, because it's his way of telling me he adores me.
I regret not saying more to him; there were so many more conversations to have. We both had so much to say and those last moments could only say so much.
I don't regret that we only exchanged "I love you" once. Words are temporary pieces of far greater memory.
"Ren, we're right over here. Actually just walk straight, we're the only ones with the lights on."
"Oh there you are!"
"Mhmm, I'll see you in a sec."
There was an empty seat in the front, but he opened the back door instead.
"Hi."
"I'm glad you found us."
"I know, it was so hard to find you guys."
The third seat in the back was taken up by a car seat, but the lack of space didn't matter. Two seats was more than enough.
I like his hand around my waist, it feels normal and protective. I like when he looks at me, because it always means something. I love his hand in my hair, because it's his way of telling me he adores me.
I regret not saying more to him; there were so many more conversations to have. We both had so much to say and those last moments could only say so much.
I don't regret that we only exchanged "I love you" once. Words are temporary pieces of far greater memory.
June 8, 2012
Last Moments (II)
"Ten days?!"
Ren nodded.
"That's not fair." I reach out to hug him.
He could tell he enjoyed my vulnerability. "Why is it not fair?"
"Uhh, because... there's a lot of reasons."
"Like what?"
"Like... like you're my partner and you're leaving me. Among other reasons..."
He was serious now. "That makes sense."
As a distraction from our secret from him, I stumble to my feet and run straight into him, hoping to push him back with some force of my impact.
"Ren!!!" I love his amused smile as I push him back still. "Come here for a second..." I resort to pulling on his hand opposite Jane and our secret.
He plants his feet and resists my attempts to take him with me. "Lena, I came here to practice, so we better practice."
"Yeah well, we can practice over here." I manage to move him a few feet with my arms around his waist and my head against his chest.
His smile. I could never forget his smile. Nor his laugh.
When I see the red marks slashed across his side, no one else exists.
"What did you do?"
Jane answers, but all I can see is his eyes watching my concern.
"I'll be okay."
We sat down facing each other on the smooth, cold floor, legs outstretched and smiling.
"Why were you laughing at me?!"
"Oh nothing."
"Just tell me."
"Just... you look sexy when you walk in like that."
I burst out into laughter. It was always funny when he said "sexy", because in my eyes he was young and innocent. I admired that about him.
Conversation was interrupted when I wiped the sweat off his brow, then he brushed the hair behind my ear. He asked me what I did to my hair to make it the way it was.
"Actually, today I did absolutely nothing. This is actually lake water from this morning."
He continued to run his hand through it. "Don't cut it too short okay?"
Warm breath from his mouth clung to my bare ear, "What are you saying, Lena?"
After our performance we posed for pictures and when we stood in the back, I took his hand in mine and he squeezed. I love how his hands envelop mine.
The industrial counter top was cool against my bare skin, but Ren's hand in my hair was warm and comforting.
"Lena, what are you gonna major in for college?"
"Media arts, but I might change. You never know, like they say, you find out what you want to do while you're in college."
"I don't think that. I think you should know what you're gonna do before you go to college."
"I guess that's true... It's just that when my dad went to college, he changed his mind about what he was gonna do a lot, like it took him seven years to finish. So that's why I think that." I paused as he watched me. "Also, I don't think it's as important what exactly my major is, because I'm going to be a mother and I won't really be focusing on a career. As long as I'm gaining knowledge in order to teach my kids and maybe even provide for my family when needed, I'm good."
He nodded slowly with his fingers on his chin. "That makes sense."
Ren nodded.
"That's not fair." I reach out to hug him.
He could tell he enjoyed my vulnerability. "Why is it not fair?"
"Uhh, because... there's a lot of reasons."
"Like what?"
"Like... like you're my partner and you're leaving me. Among other reasons..."
He was serious now. "That makes sense."
As a distraction from our secret from him, I stumble to my feet and run straight into him, hoping to push him back with some force of my impact.
"Ren!!!" I love his amused smile as I push him back still. "Come here for a second..." I resort to pulling on his hand opposite Jane and our secret.
He plants his feet and resists my attempts to take him with me. "Lena, I came here to practice, so we better practice."
"Yeah well, we can practice over here." I manage to move him a few feet with my arms around his waist and my head against his chest.
His smile. I could never forget his smile. Nor his laugh.
When I see the red marks slashed across his side, no one else exists.
"What did you do?"
Jane answers, but all I can see is his eyes watching my concern.
"I'll be okay."
We sat down facing each other on the smooth, cold floor, legs outstretched and smiling.
"Why were you laughing at me?!"
"Oh nothing."
"Just tell me."
"Just... you look sexy when you walk in like that."
I burst out into laughter. It was always funny when he said "sexy", because in my eyes he was young and innocent. I admired that about him.
Conversation was interrupted when I wiped the sweat off his brow, then he brushed the hair behind my ear. He asked me what I did to my hair to make it the way it was.
"Actually, today I did absolutely nothing. This is actually lake water from this morning."
He continued to run his hand through it. "Don't cut it too short okay?"
Warm breath from his mouth clung to my bare ear, "What are you saying, Lena?"
After our performance we posed for pictures and when we stood in the back, I took his hand in mine and he squeezed. I love how his hands envelop mine.
The industrial counter top was cool against my bare skin, but Ren's hand in my hair was warm and comforting.
"Lena, what are you gonna major in for college?"
"Media arts, but I might change. You never know, like they say, you find out what you want to do while you're in college."
"I don't think that. I think you should know what you're gonna do before you go to college."
"I guess that's true... It's just that when my dad went to college, he changed his mind about what he was gonna do a lot, like it took him seven years to finish. So that's why I think that." I paused as he watched me. "Also, I don't think it's as important what exactly my major is, because I'm going to be a mother and I won't really be focusing on a career. As long as I'm gaining knowledge in order to teach my kids and maybe even provide for my family when needed, I'm good."
He nodded slowly with his fingers on his chin. "That makes sense."
June 6, 2012
Last Moments (I)
Slick hands pull and press arms to shape rhythm between us. Watching people, lighted shops, and tan cobblestone blur with our swinging steps. The air is thick, but we breathe in tandem.
He joins me in the chair, but before settling, our eyes are turned to Jane and she lays across our laps. I bury my face in his neck, he eases my hand into his. Three breathe exhausted breaths. Then Ren chuckles.
"What's up?" Jane asks.
He explains the sensation of my fluttering lashes against his cheek. Butterfly kisses.
When Jane left, he spreads my fingers to interlace with his, then wraps his other arm around me to repeat on the other side. The sound of his slow breathing and slight movement of his body soothes my senses to blur my consciousness.
His hazel green eyes. His forehead against mine. Another tickle fight ignites as we both reach out to grab at the other's waist. We challenge each other with meaningless conversation:
"Lena, why are you attacking me?"
"I'm not attacking you, Ren. It was you who tickled me first!"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Of course I'm sure!"
"Lena, you should really calm down."
"I am calm!"
The struggle always ended with his hands gripped around my wrists. We breathe hard from the playful exertion. I always tried to slip my hands out to grab his instead, but that never lasted too long and he would cautiously release me after I promised not to tickle him.
I feel the impact of my elbow against his jaw. After the momentum of the last move dissipates, I instinctively hug him, my left cheek pressed against his.
"I'm so sorry."
"It's okay."
He joins me in the chair, but before settling, our eyes are turned to Jane and she lays across our laps. I bury my face in his neck, he eases my hand into his. Three breathe exhausted breaths. Then Ren chuckles.
"What's up?" Jane asks.
He explains the sensation of my fluttering lashes against his cheek. Butterfly kisses.
When Jane left, he spreads my fingers to interlace with his, then wraps his other arm around me to repeat on the other side. The sound of his slow breathing and slight movement of his body soothes my senses to blur my consciousness.
His hazel green eyes. His forehead against mine. Another tickle fight ignites as we both reach out to grab at the other's waist. We challenge each other with meaningless conversation:
"Lena, why are you attacking me?"
"I'm not attacking you, Ren. It was you who tickled me first!"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Of course I'm sure!"
"Lena, you should really calm down."
"I am calm!"
The struggle always ended with his hands gripped around my wrists. We breathe hard from the playful exertion. I always tried to slip my hands out to grab his instead, but that never lasted too long and he would cautiously release me after I promised not to tickle him.
I feel the impact of my elbow against his jaw. After the momentum of the last move dissipates, I instinctively hug him, my left cheek pressed against his.
"I'm so sorry."
"It's okay."
June 5, 2012
Fireworks.
A first kiss. Without fireworks. What are "fireworks" anyway? It wasn't the perfect landscape of white, limestone cliffs jutting out from a pool of pure blue water made golden in patches by the reflection of the setting sun. It wasn't the rush of adrenaline stemmed from jumping from that forty foot cliff, hands gripped tight as some sense of security. It wasn't the blue of his eyes that captured mine as he held me in a watery embrace. Surprisingly it wasn't the softness of the caress that his lips ensued against mine. In fact I immediately wiped off his warm spit with the back of my hand.
He wasn't "the one". That was it. Several years were spent waiting for that one. Doesn't everyone wish for a perfect first kiss? Or was it even possible? It seems that expectations were always held too high for that single moment in our lives where this simple act of intimacy was meant to magically alter us somehow. That moment is just another portion of the road we take, leading to something greater. This boy is just another individual who will pass through your life, only leaving his name to linger in the answers of "get to know you" games and "Truth or Dare" questions. Of course he isn't the one; he's just a name. Just another brief moment.
I'm looking forward to something greater.
He wasn't "the one". That was it. Several years were spent waiting for that one. Doesn't everyone wish for a perfect first kiss? Or was it even possible? It seems that expectations were always held too high for that single moment in our lives where this simple act of intimacy was meant to magically alter us somehow. That moment is just another portion of the road we take, leading to something greater. This boy is just another individual who will pass through your life, only leaving his name to linger in the answers of "get to know you" games and "Truth or Dare" questions. Of course he isn't the one; he's just a name. Just another brief moment.
I'm looking forward to something greater.
May 6, 2012
A Dream (VI)
(Part 5: http://life-passion-love.blogspot.com/2012/05/dream-v.html)
Clouds formed over their rough words which reached out to grasp at the other's neck. Their eyes flashed with fury at a conversation unheard by my ears. I ducked around the curtains, but continued to watch the contention outside the window. Questions began to illustrate themselves across my thoughts, but I knew not to ask them out loud. A final phrase looked as if it echoed against the sky from Troy's mouth as my mother's car drove down the road.
To seal the secret I rushed through the hallways and leapt on the white couch faking the heavy lids of sleep. Seconds later I heard the door open and close quietly followed by his footsteps crossing the wood floor. His fingers played with the hem of my silk robe. I opened my eyes slowly to mirror the weariness of sleep and see his figure leaning over me. "Hello." I smiled up at him.
"Run away with me."
My mouth opened and closed without a clear phrase to utter in response.
He rested his head on my side and no longer kept contact with my eyes. "Never mind."
"When?"
His eyes met with mine again.
"Where?"
He smiled. "Away from here into the sunrise, wherever I go, wherever we want."
He grabbed me into his arms and walked me up the stairs as he babbled about a utopia we would live in. "I'm going to build our house with my own hands along the ridges on the coast and we'll have parties with the neighbors and listen to loud music and dive from the cliffs into the foamy waves of the sea."
He set me down on the bed and went through my closet holding up pieces for me to shake yes or no to. The sound of colliding hangers fell in harmony with Troy's continuing voice. "And we'll have a huge backyard with trees and every morning we'll wake up to the sound of birds singing and the windows will always be open so we can smell the salk of the ocean and the night sky will reveal hidden stars to our vision."
He pulled me onto my feet, then handed me a worn pair of jeans to put on. Then he untied my robe and started to slide the fabric off my shoulders, kissing each bone on my spine and speaking between each kiss. "I'll wake up every morning with you right beside me and I will always be with you wherever we go and I'll keep you in my arms when you feel like being yourself isn't enough."
When the robe fell to the floor, Troy was on his knees, cheek pressed to the skin of my back. I felt my blood pumping hard under his touch, but my naked skin began to raise little bumps when the AC began to blow against soaked hair. "Troy," I whispered.
"Oh yeah." He grabbed the floral blouse off the bed and slipped it over hands and head.
Upstairs Troy was folding my clothes to put into a suitcase. From behind the hidden flap, I retieved the bottle and sat contemplating how to bring it along with me. The house's creaks and hums orchestraed the silence until inspiration led me to my mother's bathroom. They fit perfectly into four circular tins.
Clouds formed over their rough words which reached out to grasp at the other's neck. Their eyes flashed with fury at a conversation unheard by my ears. I ducked around the curtains, but continued to watch the contention outside the window. Questions began to illustrate themselves across my thoughts, but I knew not to ask them out loud. A final phrase looked as if it echoed against the sky from Troy's mouth as my mother's car drove down the road.
To seal the secret I rushed through the hallways and leapt on the white couch faking the heavy lids of sleep. Seconds later I heard the door open and close quietly followed by his footsteps crossing the wood floor. His fingers played with the hem of my silk robe. I opened my eyes slowly to mirror the weariness of sleep and see his figure leaning over me. "Hello." I smiled up at him.
"Run away with me."
My mouth opened and closed without a clear phrase to utter in response.
He rested his head on my side and no longer kept contact with my eyes. "Never mind."
"When?"
His eyes met with mine again.
"Where?"
He smiled. "Away from here into the sunrise, wherever I go, wherever we want."
He grabbed me into his arms and walked me up the stairs as he babbled about a utopia we would live in. "I'm going to build our house with my own hands along the ridges on the coast and we'll have parties with the neighbors and listen to loud music and dive from the cliffs into the foamy waves of the sea."
He set me down on the bed and went through my closet holding up pieces for me to shake yes or no to. The sound of colliding hangers fell in harmony with Troy's continuing voice. "And we'll have a huge backyard with trees and every morning we'll wake up to the sound of birds singing and the windows will always be open so we can smell the salk of the ocean and the night sky will reveal hidden stars to our vision."
He pulled me onto my feet, then handed me a worn pair of jeans to put on. Then he untied my robe and started to slide the fabric off my shoulders, kissing each bone on my spine and speaking between each kiss. "I'll wake up every morning with you right beside me and I will always be with you wherever we go and I'll keep you in my arms when you feel like being yourself isn't enough."
When the robe fell to the floor, Troy was on his knees, cheek pressed to the skin of my back. I felt my blood pumping hard under his touch, but my naked skin began to raise little bumps when the AC began to blow against soaked hair. "Troy," I whispered.
"Oh yeah." He grabbed the floral blouse off the bed and slipped it over hands and head.
Upstairs Troy was folding my clothes to put into a suitcase. From behind the hidden flap, I retieved the bottle and sat contemplating how to bring it along with me. The house's creaks and hums orchestraed the silence until inspiration led me to my mother's bathroom. They fit perfectly into four circular tins.
May 5, 2012
A Dream (V)
(Part 4: http://life-passion-love.blogspot.com/2012/05/dream-iv.html)
He hesitated, "At first you were only a figure running away from me into a dark fog. You were the happiest person alive. You were getting farther and farther away, so I ran after you. I felt like without that person I could never be happy again. But after I would get close, in the moment I blinked, you would disappear and appear off in the distance. Then after what seemed like hours, I saw you fall and crumble to the ground, but you didn't utter a single groan or scream. At your side was the first time I saw your face; the rest of your body was distorted with limbs at odd angles."
He took a deep breath before starting again. "When I took you in my arms, I noticed that the emotion on your face was peaceful without a single ounce of pain. I began to yell for help in small hope that there was someone with us in that strange darkness. Nobody answered. Then I felt you getting cold in my arms. The flush in your cheeks slowly faded. And I woke up.
Now here you are, in my arms again, but this time alive and well."
"Wow." An ironic laugh escaped my mouth. "My death."
"But I'll never let that happen."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I guess I can't. But I can be sure that without you, my chances at happiness would be slim to none.
Like it was before."
"I'm glad you found me."
As we watched, the television screen looked like blurs and flashes of color sailing across my eyes. After a while I could feel the blood pumping through his leg and hear his peaceful breathing.
My mom was awake in the kitchen eating our leftovers from the stove and when I walked in, she routinely reached up into the cupboard in the corner to open a small compartment behind the peanut butter and bread. Behind the flap was an unmarked medicine bottle with little green pills, which I swallowed with a glass of water. Then bottle and glass were returned, not a trace was left.
"137 left," my mother commented briefly as I started to leave.
"Please don't tell me." I paused before stepping through the archway, "Tell me when I have a week." After another pause I asked about my sister.
"She's on a road trip with her friends to Florida."
I nodded silently and left her to her breakfast; she would be gonein less than twenty minutes to visit her new boyfriend. Her excuse was work but I know that more than half the time was spent with various boyfriends that changed with the seasons. They were never brought home, as she thought I didn't know about her escapades; though I've never been curious; I don't need a father and mom was enough for me.
Part VI: http://life-passion-love.blogspot.com/2012/05/dream-vi.html
He hesitated, "At first you were only a figure running away from me into a dark fog. You were the happiest person alive. You were getting farther and farther away, so I ran after you. I felt like without that person I could never be happy again. But after I would get close, in the moment I blinked, you would disappear and appear off in the distance. Then after what seemed like hours, I saw you fall and crumble to the ground, but you didn't utter a single groan or scream. At your side was the first time I saw your face; the rest of your body was distorted with limbs at odd angles."
He took a deep breath before starting again. "When I took you in my arms, I noticed that the emotion on your face was peaceful without a single ounce of pain. I began to yell for help in small hope that there was someone with us in that strange darkness. Nobody answered. Then I felt you getting cold in my arms. The flush in your cheeks slowly faded. And I woke up.
Now here you are, in my arms again, but this time alive and well."
"Wow." An ironic laugh escaped my mouth. "My death."
"But I'll never let that happen."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I guess I can't. But I can be sure that without you, my chances at happiness would be slim to none.
Like it was before."
"I'm glad you found me."
As we watched, the television screen looked like blurs and flashes of color sailing across my eyes. After a while I could feel the blood pumping through his leg and hear his peaceful breathing.
My mom was awake in the kitchen eating our leftovers from the stove and when I walked in, she routinely reached up into the cupboard in the corner to open a small compartment behind the peanut butter and bread. Behind the flap was an unmarked medicine bottle with little green pills, which I swallowed with a glass of water. Then bottle and glass were returned, not a trace was left.
"137 left," my mother commented briefly as I started to leave.
"Please don't tell me." I paused before stepping through the archway, "Tell me when I have a week." After another pause I asked about my sister.
"She's on a road trip with her friends to Florida."
I nodded silently and left her to her breakfast; she would be gonein less than twenty minutes to visit her new boyfriend. Her excuse was work but I know that more than half the time was spent with various boyfriends that changed with the seasons. They were never brought home, as she thought I didn't know about her escapades; though I've never been curious; I don't need a father and mom was enough for me.
Part VI: http://life-passion-love.blogspot.com/2012/05/dream-vi.html
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