It was dark outside and the rain created trails of sparks in front of the headlights. Not too far away Ren had his phone pressed to his ear.
"Ren, we're right over here. Actually just walk straight, we're the only ones with the lights on."
"Oh there you are!"
"Mhmm, I'll see you in a sec."
There was an empty seat in the front, but he opened the back door instead.
"Hi."
"I'm glad you found us."
"I know, it was so hard to find you guys."
The third seat in the back was taken up by a car seat, but the lack of space didn't matter. Two seats was more than enough.
I like his hand around my waist, it feels normal and protective. I like when he looks at me, because it always means something. I love his hand in my hair, because it's his way of telling me he adores me.
I regret not saying more to him; there were so many more conversations to have. We both had so much to say and those last moments could only say so much.
I don't regret that we only exchanged "I love you" once. Words are temporary pieces of far greater memory.
June 9, 2012
June 8, 2012
Last Moments (II)
"Ten days?!"
Ren nodded.
"That's not fair." I reach out to hug him.
He could tell he enjoyed my vulnerability. "Why is it not fair?"
"Uhh, because... there's a lot of reasons."
"Like what?"
"Like... like you're my partner and you're leaving me. Among other reasons..."
He was serious now. "That makes sense."
As a distraction from our secret from him, I stumble to my feet and run straight into him, hoping to push him back with some force of my impact.
"Ren!!!" I love his amused smile as I push him back still. "Come here for a second..." I resort to pulling on his hand opposite Jane and our secret.
He plants his feet and resists my attempts to take him with me. "Lena, I came here to practice, so we better practice."
"Yeah well, we can practice over here." I manage to move him a few feet with my arms around his waist and my head against his chest.
His smile. I could never forget his smile. Nor his laugh.
When I see the red marks slashed across his side, no one else exists.
"What did you do?"
Jane answers, but all I can see is his eyes watching my concern.
"I'll be okay."
We sat down facing each other on the smooth, cold floor, legs outstretched and smiling.
"Why were you laughing at me?!"
"Oh nothing."
"Just tell me."
"Just... you look sexy when you walk in like that."
I burst out into laughter. It was always funny when he said "sexy", because in my eyes he was young and innocent. I admired that about him.
Conversation was interrupted when I wiped the sweat off his brow, then he brushed the hair behind my ear. He asked me what I did to my hair to make it the way it was.
"Actually, today I did absolutely nothing. This is actually lake water from this morning."
He continued to run his hand through it. "Don't cut it too short okay?"
Warm breath from his mouth clung to my bare ear, "What are you saying, Lena?"
After our performance we posed for pictures and when we stood in the back, I took his hand in mine and he squeezed. I love how his hands envelop mine.
The industrial counter top was cool against my bare skin, but Ren's hand in my hair was warm and comforting.
"Lena, what are you gonna major in for college?"
"Media arts, but I might change. You never know, like they say, you find out what you want to do while you're in college."
"I don't think that. I think you should know what you're gonna do before you go to college."
"I guess that's true... It's just that when my dad went to college, he changed his mind about what he was gonna do a lot, like it took him seven years to finish. So that's why I think that." I paused as he watched me. "Also, I don't think it's as important what exactly my major is, because I'm going to be a mother and I won't really be focusing on a career. As long as I'm gaining knowledge in order to teach my kids and maybe even provide for my family when needed, I'm good."
He nodded slowly with his fingers on his chin. "That makes sense."
Ren nodded.
"That's not fair." I reach out to hug him.
He could tell he enjoyed my vulnerability. "Why is it not fair?"
"Uhh, because... there's a lot of reasons."
"Like what?"
"Like... like you're my partner and you're leaving me. Among other reasons..."
He was serious now. "That makes sense."
As a distraction from our secret from him, I stumble to my feet and run straight into him, hoping to push him back with some force of my impact.
"Ren!!!" I love his amused smile as I push him back still. "Come here for a second..." I resort to pulling on his hand opposite Jane and our secret.
He plants his feet and resists my attempts to take him with me. "Lena, I came here to practice, so we better practice."
"Yeah well, we can practice over here." I manage to move him a few feet with my arms around his waist and my head against his chest.
His smile. I could never forget his smile. Nor his laugh.
When I see the red marks slashed across his side, no one else exists.
"What did you do?"
Jane answers, but all I can see is his eyes watching my concern.
"I'll be okay."
We sat down facing each other on the smooth, cold floor, legs outstretched and smiling.
"Why were you laughing at me?!"
"Oh nothing."
"Just tell me."
"Just... you look sexy when you walk in like that."
I burst out into laughter. It was always funny when he said "sexy", because in my eyes he was young and innocent. I admired that about him.
Conversation was interrupted when I wiped the sweat off his brow, then he brushed the hair behind my ear. He asked me what I did to my hair to make it the way it was.
"Actually, today I did absolutely nothing. This is actually lake water from this morning."
He continued to run his hand through it. "Don't cut it too short okay?"
Warm breath from his mouth clung to my bare ear, "What are you saying, Lena?"
After our performance we posed for pictures and when we stood in the back, I took his hand in mine and he squeezed. I love how his hands envelop mine.
The industrial counter top was cool against my bare skin, but Ren's hand in my hair was warm and comforting.
"Lena, what are you gonna major in for college?"
"Media arts, but I might change. You never know, like they say, you find out what you want to do while you're in college."
"I don't think that. I think you should know what you're gonna do before you go to college."
"I guess that's true... It's just that when my dad went to college, he changed his mind about what he was gonna do a lot, like it took him seven years to finish. So that's why I think that." I paused as he watched me. "Also, I don't think it's as important what exactly my major is, because I'm going to be a mother and I won't really be focusing on a career. As long as I'm gaining knowledge in order to teach my kids and maybe even provide for my family when needed, I'm good."
He nodded slowly with his fingers on his chin. "That makes sense."
June 6, 2012
Last Moments (I)
Slick hands pull and press arms to shape rhythm between us. Watching people, lighted shops, and tan cobblestone blur with our swinging steps. The air is thick, but we breathe in tandem.
He joins me in the chair, but before settling, our eyes are turned to Jane and she lays across our laps. I bury my face in his neck, he eases my hand into his. Three breathe exhausted breaths. Then Ren chuckles.
"What's up?" Jane asks.
He explains the sensation of my fluttering lashes against his cheek. Butterfly kisses.
When Jane left, he spreads my fingers to interlace with his, then wraps his other arm around me to repeat on the other side. The sound of his slow breathing and slight movement of his body soothes my senses to blur my consciousness.
His hazel green eyes. His forehead against mine. Another tickle fight ignites as we both reach out to grab at the other's waist. We challenge each other with meaningless conversation:
"Lena, why are you attacking me?"
"I'm not attacking you, Ren. It was you who tickled me first!"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Of course I'm sure!"
"Lena, you should really calm down."
"I am calm!"
The struggle always ended with his hands gripped around my wrists. We breathe hard from the playful exertion. I always tried to slip my hands out to grab his instead, but that never lasted too long and he would cautiously release me after I promised not to tickle him.
I feel the impact of my elbow against his jaw. After the momentum of the last move dissipates, I instinctively hug him, my left cheek pressed against his.
"I'm so sorry."
"It's okay."
He joins me in the chair, but before settling, our eyes are turned to Jane and she lays across our laps. I bury my face in his neck, he eases my hand into his. Three breathe exhausted breaths. Then Ren chuckles.
"What's up?" Jane asks.
He explains the sensation of my fluttering lashes against his cheek. Butterfly kisses.
When Jane left, he spreads my fingers to interlace with his, then wraps his other arm around me to repeat on the other side. The sound of his slow breathing and slight movement of his body soothes my senses to blur my consciousness.
His hazel green eyes. His forehead against mine. Another tickle fight ignites as we both reach out to grab at the other's waist. We challenge each other with meaningless conversation:
"Lena, why are you attacking me?"
"I'm not attacking you, Ren. It was you who tickled me first!"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Of course I'm sure!"
"Lena, you should really calm down."
"I am calm!"
The struggle always ended with his hands gripped around my wrists. We breathe hard from the playful exertion. I always tried to slip my hands out to grab his instead, but that never lasted too long and he would cautiously release me after I promised not to tickle him.
I feel the impact of my elbow against his jaw. After the momentum of the last move dissipates, I instinctively hug him, my left cheek pressed against his.
"I'm so sorry."
"It's okay."
June 5, 2012
Fireworks.
A first kiss. Without fireworks. What are "fireworks" anyway? It wasn't the perfect landscape of white, limestone cliffs jutting out from a pool of pure blue water made golden in patches by the reflection of the setting sun. It wasn't the rush of adrenaline stemmed from jumping from that forty foot cliff, hands gripped tight as some sense of security. It wasn't the blue of his eyes that captured mine as he held me in a watery embrace. Surprisingly it wasn't the softness of the caress that his lips ensued against mine. In fact I immediately wiped off his warm spit with the back of my hand.
He wasn't "the one". That was it. Several years were spent waiting for that one. Doesn't everyone wish for a perfect first kiss? Or was it even possible? It seems that expectations were always held too high for that single moment in our lives where this simple act of intimacy was meant to magically alter us somehow. That moment is just another portion of the road we take, leading to something greater. This boy is just another individual who will pass through your life, only leaving his name to linger in the answers of "get to know you" games and "Truth or Dare" questions. Of course he isn't the one; he's just a name. Just another brief moment.
I'm looking forward to something greater.
He wasn't "the one". That was it. Several years were spent waiting for that one. Doesn't everyone wish for a perfect first kiss? Or was it even possible? It seems that expectations were always held too high for that single moment in our lives where this simple act of intimacy was meant to magically alter us somehow. That moment is just another portion of the road we take, leading to something greater. This boy is just another individual who will pass through your life, only leaving his name to linger in the answers of "get to know you" games and "Truth or Dare" questions. Of course he isn't the one; he's just a name. Just another brief moment.
I'm looking forward to something greater.
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